Well, I think I'll start blogging again. I've had a few people comment recently on long-ago entries, and a LOT has happened since my last entry, so I think I'll give it another shot. That having been said........
Where do I begin? So much has happened since my last post. I didn't get the job at the law firm. I didn't get the next position the same agency had me interview for. But, I have been working with a different agency at the same location for about 4 months now. I'm doing customer service in a call center. Not my ideal job, by any means, but it is definitely steady (it started out as a 3 week assignment, and I'm still there).
I've actually started paying off a couple of my *smaller* (ahem) bills. I have finally started seeing a therapist (at the suggestion of my absolutely wonderful minister). Therapy has been quite beneficial for me. I am EXTREMELY glad I finally took that step. I've been able to open up to another person and to myself, to really acknowledge and work through my feelings about various things going on in my life.
Two weeks ago, I went to Costa Rica with a choir of mostly alumni from my university to sing at a friend's wedding. It was AMAZING! This was probably one of the best short trips I've ever been on. And it really was amazing in more than just some superficial, 'lets have fun and drink a lot' sort of way (although there certainly was that!). I truly found myself overwhelmed by beauty and grace over that weekend. I'm not really quite sure why, whether God has chosen to awaken certain feelings in me now, or I've just now become aware enough to recognize these feelings...anyway...as I entered the first rehearsal before we left US soil, and we were singing Sicut Cervus (a setting of Psalm 42 by Palestrina), I was struck by the fact that we were all there together not just to sing, but indeed, to offer our 'common supplication' unto the Lord. I always get a strong spiritual feeling when singing with this group...they are mostly Roman Catholics, and the majority rather conservative, but I always get this feeling of common purpose when singing with them. It's truly amazing, and each time we gather, I never want the experience to end. At the wedding itself, I started crying before the ceremony even started, as we were singing in this beautiful church just getting used to singing in the space. And of course, I cried again during the ceremony itself. And again at the reception watching the bride's parents dance.
And then I had a long discussion with a current student (sophomore) about vocation (one of the other alumni told him that I was previously a seminarian). We really had a wonderful discussion, and I think we were both able to express some true feelings...doubts and hopes. I was particularly energized by the opportunity to have true communion with another as we shared deeply from deep within ourselves. I found myself invigorated telling my story and discussing God's workings in our lives.
Of course, he asked me if I ever consider returning to seminary. The simple answer, friends, is YES. And I'm rather struck by the question because it seems to be coming up rather a lot recently. I had a discussion along these lines with the seminarian intern at my parish recently, and I've talked about it a bit with my therapist also. I haven't talked about vocation with my minister yet, but I know this needs to happen soon.
I spent pretty much my whole session with my therapist today talking about vocation. Obviously there is more serious, focused, discernment to be done, but I think I am still being called to serve God as an ordained minister (albeit in the Anglican Communion now, rather than the Roman Catholic Church). We talked quite a bit about how the ministry does not necessarily have to be a purely parish-based vocation. He told me about several ministers who are also therapists (and indeed do therapy as their primary ministry now). I certainly feel blessed to have many options for ministry as an Episcopalian.
I'll end this long post now, but I pray God the grace to guide me through this time, and I ask your prayers as well.
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